I just got my grades back for my semester. I didn't think that it was ever going to happen, that things would ever work out for me in the college years. I had gone from being one of the smartest and most motivated students in high school to a chronic under-achiever. I hated talking to my friends from high school because they all got out and started their lives and several of them are married now and starting families. I had never felt worse about myself and my (lack of) accomplishments than when I turned 25 and was still in undergrad with no foreseeable end in sight.
But I got my grades back today from my last semester. Everyone told me that I was going to be fine but I did not believe them. I had missed a lot of classes in China class and I had the worst professor in the school for my African history class. For most of the semester I thought he was going to fail me just because he didn't like me. I started running scenarios in my head about what next fall would be like if I had to stick around because I failed Africa class. At least my favorite professor wouldn't be on sabbatical and I would have had him to talk to. And they are offering some neat classes.
And I can't forget senior seminar. I was in tears this whole semeseter it seems due to the stress of this class. I got an A on my paper. An A in Senior Sem. I don't even know how that happened. It was so stressful, this whole semester was so stressful.
For most people - they say that college are the best years of their life. They are inbetween being in high school and under your parents' control, but you're not in the real world yet - so no real obligations other than class. So many people I know just loved their time at college. Maybe they were lucky and figured out what they wanted to do early on. Maybe they ended up at a school they really loved and made great friends.
I feel like most people who cry at graduation ceremonies are a mixture of excitement and sadness to leave behind their friends and the school that gave them such great memories.
But I have hated every single moment of college. Every day was a struggle. Going to college has been the absolute worst decision of my life and I wish I could tell my 18 year old self - no. Do not put yourself through 8 years of hell. Just keep working with horses, keep riding, and get a job in the equine world. Because otherwise you are going to hate your life for the next 8 years and then, when you're finally finished... you're going to go work with horses. It was not worth it. Not for me. Absolutely the only good thing that came out of college for me was meeting Woody.
So when I cry now - which I have been off an on since I got my grades back: it is relief. it is freedom. it is a joy i have never felt before in knowing that it is OVER. The worst 8 years of my life have finally ended.
And now I can finally start living
I am going to marry the man that I love
And I am going to work with horses like I have always dreamed of.
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