Happy Endings

I haven't updated this blog in two years - two long, emotional, and altogether draining years. It's funny that the last time I reached out to post was when my life was falling apart. Because now that things have finally come together, I can reflect on that time with a bit more perspective.

This blog is probably finished, as it chronicled one chapter in my life (my college years) and that time is over. Woody and I have built a house, my horses live at home, and I have a job that I love. Actually, I am on the brink of giving up my amateur status at the end of the season to become a professional. It's crazy that just two and a half years ago, I was ready to walk away and give up horses forever - because they're the only thing in my life that has ever made sense, the one constant. I can look back at the posts I made during that time and understand what I was thinking - hell, I lived it - but I don't think I could have ever truly given it up.

The angst and guilt I felt over Patrick was real and horrible, but I'm stronger for it. You can read it yourself if you don't remember, there are several posts about Pat's injury and my subsequent breakdown. But Patrick is now one of the three horses I own. He lives in a barn attached directly to my house which is amazing. He is joined by Roanin, of course, who is the greatest animal I have ever known, and a new horse named Bowie. We've been at the farm for nearly two months now, and it is amazing. I love seeing the horses outside my window and taking care of them every day. Woody nearly always helps when I do the stalls, which is something I look forward to each evening.

If anything could summarize the last two years of my life, it would be that I've learned what I can live with and what I can live without. I deal with crippling anxiety every day,  but I've cut some incredibly toxic people out of my life and I couldn't be happier. Some of them were old friends, but to be free from their negativity is amazing. I wish I had done it years ago.

I finally finished that book I started, so very long ago. I work on the revision in my free time. I do intend to pursue publication, but it isn't ready yet. And that's okay, because I have time. Between working and riding every day, and horse shows nearly every weekend, I do have a little time left over for myself. Sometimes I read, or play a video game, and sometimes I just go hang out in the barn because I can. But occasionally I use that time to work on my story. I feel like a different person than I was when I started writing it.

I conquer things now that would have had me crying and useless a couple years ago. Not that it's always easy, and not that I don't suffer daily from mental health problems. I do. It's a lot to live with sometimes.

But I do live with it.