How I Met My Nemesis

Picture this, if you will: I'm lying in bed, enjoying an episode of How I Met Your Mother before I go to sleep for the night, with all of the lights off. When suddenly, I hear this whooshing sound, and into my face flies... something big and alive.

Naturally, I start screaming, because it is essentially pitch black in this room and I have no idea what is going on - I'm sure I woke Meemaw up. I manage to turn on the lights and see what is obviously the biggest, most evil grasshopper of all time (OF ALL TIME!) perched happily on my computer screen.

Now, I am not one to kill bugs. This is the number one reason I will never, ever live alone. I have to have someone around to kill the bugs. But this situation called for drastic measures, and I knew I must kill the bug.

Problem #1 - It is enjoying the computer screen. I can't kill it and risk shattering the screen.
Problem #2 - I don't like bugs and want nothing to do with this.
Problem #3 - This is clearly the most evil creature that has ever lived, and this is going to be one epic battle.

So, onward to problem number one. I begin finding small things I can safely throw at the grasshopper to (gently) encourage it to vacate the screen area. Balled up pieces of paper, small things like that, which it ignores. Okay, I can handle that. I chuck the top from a sharpie at it, and hit it in the back.

I did not think this plan through and as it turns out, this was a horrible decision. Mr. Grasshopper gets pissed and starts zooming around the room again, in and around my personal bubble, as well as up to the ceiling and into the window, before finally coming to rest high up on my curtain.

This is clearly no ordinary insect, but a grasshopper mastermind the likes of which had not previously been met in this world.

I surveyed the room around me, looking for any possible weapons I might employ against this worthy foe. Then I saw it - the glass and pitcher Meemaw had set out for me in case of emergency. Well, really it was in case I got thirsty, but it was the perfect plan to capture this little sucker and get him out of my life once and for all. However, in the middle of my strategizing, Mr. Grasshopper gets bored of the curtain and zooms straight into me again.

I scream, the glass goes flying, and I hit it with the pitcher, which cracks and a part of the handle breaks off with a loud CLANG as I start to shriek again. However when he comes to a rest this time I am prepared, and manage to trap him in the pitcher. Ever so carefully, or rather, really quickly so that he doesn't escape and kill me, I put the glass on the pitcher like a lid and go downstairs to exact on my revenge on this midnight assassin. Creeping down the basement stairs, I take off the lid from the jar and prepare to release him into the wild Newport News area where he shall surely be eaten by a bird and I will be able to rest in peace. However, instead of flying out the door as I intended, he flew downstairs into the darkness of the basement, where he remains currently, zooming around as he plots and schemes how best to attack me once more.

And that, kids, is how I met my nemesis.