Obsessive. Compulsive. Ridiculous.

It isn't really a secret that I am on medication for anxiety and OCD related stress, things had escalated in the past few years but, looking back on my childhood, there are little red flags everywhere. I was never a very religious kid, but one day in school they taught us what to do in a fire. I must have been in first grade, and they taught us about stop/drop/roll and touching doorknobs. I got home that night and I was so scared that I prayed to God to protect my family from a fire.

But I didn't stop there. I got this idea in my head that because I had asked for protection from fire, he might get us by some other means, say a flood. I remember this so vividly because I was completely panicked. So I asked him to protect us from floods, too. And what about earthquakes? Hurricanes? Tidal waves? Bad guys? I started listing all of the bad things that could happen to me, it took a really long time. I wanted to be sure that my family was going to be completely safe. And I did this every night for probably two weeks - because I was convinced that if I didn't, something terrible would happen.

You don't really realize that it isn't normal when you are 7 years old. I mean, all kids have crazy imaginations - but even so, that just isn't right. Looking back on it now I can see things like that sly through my childhood - but I didn't ever tell anyone about it, because I didn't realize that it was something I could get help for. I didn't know that every kid didn't stay up for an hour doing that very same thing.

The medication I am on these days definitely stops me from doing things like that, but it doesn't help all of my problems. I was not very good about taking my medicine this week, and it definitely showed tonight.

We are hosting a wedding shower for my cousin in a few weeks and as soon as I walked in the door from work she handed me a glass of sangria that she made as an experiment for the party. I sat down at the kitchen table and tried and tried to drink it - I really did - but I just couldn't do it.

Because I still had my socks on.

I know how crazy and ridiculous and irrational it is, but I can't eat or even drink with my socks on. I am okay if I am wearing shoes AND socks, or just shoes, like with flip flops or other sandals. I prefer to be barefoot. But not if it is socks and nothing else on my feet. All I can think about is the socks, and how I need to take them off RIGHT NOW. My heart starts racing and I cant focus on anything except the cotton monsters on my feet.

I'm not crazy, I know I'm not crazy, but things like this make me feel crazy. And I simply can't explain it to someone who doesn't feel the same compulsions that I do. The medication helps a lot - it really does.

I decided it was time to talk to someone about my problems last year, while studying for a test. I have a lot of compulsions about schoolwork, and it is part of the reason I am such a good student. But some of them are a bit more frustrating. For instance I have to save my papers 3 times every 3 paragraphs. Have to, or else I will lose all my work. And I don't mean that I save them in 3 different locations - I just hit save three times, just to double and triple check that the save went through and if my computer battery dies or we lose power, I will still have my work.

When I'm studying I go over and over things. I make tons of notecards which are color coded cards by chapter and color coded pens by subject. For this one test, in a class I was struggling with, the professor made the most nonsensical study guide I have ever encountered. It was not arranged by chapter or subject or alphabetically, it was just a random list of stuff. I was going back and forth through my chapters and ended up studying the same few concepts 3 or 4 different times because, since the study guide had no logic to it, I couldn't be absolutely sure what I had or had not studied yet. I got so frustrated that i gave up and went to the doctor the next day and started on my medication.

I am not saying this for sympathy or whatever, rather just to explain a bit about myself. It isn't all bad - I do take studying very seriously (although some would say I am too obsessed with getting straight As), and today wt work the owner of the company complimented my drive and dedication to learning the new skills and protocol. (I have been moved to the front desk to help with checking in and out, making reservations, selling play packages, etc - way more responsibility and its a customer service position, so high stress!)

At the same time, you know, its frustrating. I know it isn't normal or rational and yet I feel so much better when I follow my little rituals- and I still do some of them even on the meds, just not to the same extent as before. But it is a part of who I am. It does seem to drive people crazy sometimes though, so I try to not make an issue out of it - I sort of do my thing in the background, making sure to get the same number of steps in all squares of the pavement on the sidewalk.


Edit - because there has been some confusion - these are far from my only symptoms. I don't really feel the need to discuss all of the reasons I was diagnosed with this, just because I don't talk about the other stuff in this post doesn't mean that it isn't there.